• @cygnus@lemmy.ca
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    23 days ago

    In addition to Ready Player One (and its sequel), he also wrote this poem. I don’t have the adjectives to describe it, so see for yourself:

    Nerd Porn Auteur

    I’ve noticed that there don’t seem to be any porno movies

    that are made for guys like me.

    All the porn I’ve come across

    was targeted at beer-swilling sports bar dwelling alpha-males

    Men who like their women stupid and submissive

    Men who can only get it up for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos

    with gargantuan breasts and a three-word vocabulary

    Adult films are populated with these collagen-injected

    liposuctioned women

    Many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation

    in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.

    These aren’t real women. They’re objects.

    And these movies aren’t erotic. They’re pathetic.

    These vacuum-headed fuck bunnies don’t turn me on.

    They disgust me.

    And it’s not that I’m against pornography.

    I mean, I’m a guy. And guys need porn.

    Fact.

    “Like a preacher needs pain, like a needle needs a vein,”

    Guys need porn.

    But I don’t wanna watch this misogynist he-man woman-hater porn.

    I want porno movies that are made with guys like me in mind:

    Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world

    is a woman who is smarter than you are.

    You can have the whole cheerleading squad,

    I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses:

    Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian.

    Oh yes.

    First I want to copy her Trig homework,

    and then I want to make mad, passionate love to her

    for hours and hours

    until she reluctantly asks if we can stop

    because she doesn’t want to miss Battlestar Galactica.

    Summa cum laude, baby!

    That is what I call erotic.

    But do you ever see that kind of a woman in a contemporary adult film?

    No.

    Which is why I’m going to start writing and directing Geek Porno.

    I shall be the quintessential Nerd Porn Auteur.

    And the women in my porno movies will be the kind

    that drive nerds like me mad with desire.

    I’m talking about the girls that used to fuck up the grading curve.

    The girls in the Latin Club and the National Honor Society.

    Chicks with weird clothes, braces, four eyes, and 4.0 GPAs.

    Brainy articulate bookworms, with MENSA cards in their purses

    and chips on their shoulders.

    My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.

    My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD to go to the gym.

    In my kind of porno movies the girls wouldn’t even have to get naked.

    They’d just take the guys down to the rec room and

    beat them repeatedly at chess

    and then talk to them for hours about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle

    or the underlying social metaphors in the Aliens movies.

    Buy stock in some hand cream companies

    because there is about to be a major shortage.

    And I’m not just talking about straight porn. Oh no.

    There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren

    of all sexual orientations.

    Gay nerd porn flicks with titles like “Dungeons and Drag-queens.”

    This idea is a fucking gold mine.

    I am gonna make millions,

    because this country is full of database programmers

    and electronics engineers

    and they aren’t getting the loving they so desperately need.

    And you can help . . .

    If you’re an intelligent woman is interested in breaking into the adult film industry,

    and if you can tell me the name of Luke Skywalker’s home planet,

    then you are hired.

    It doesn’t matter if you think you’re overweight or unattractive.

    It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you’re beautiful.

    You are beautiful. . .

    And I will make you a star.