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seahorse [Ohio]M to The Onion@midwest.socialEnglish • 1 year ago

Perfect 4.0 Student Rejected From University Just For Being White Rapist

www.theonion.com

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Perfect 4.0 Student Rejected From University Just For Being White Rapist

www.theonion.com

seahorse [Ohio]M to The Onion@midwest.socialEnglish • 1 year ago
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LAKEWOOD, OH—In what many were calling another blatant act of discrimination in higher education. a perfect 4.0 student claimed Monday that he was rejected from the university of his choice just because he was a white rapist. “I graduated as valedictorian of my high school and played on varsity for two sports, but…
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  • @withnail@infosec.pub
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    128•1 year ago

    At press time, Wheeler announced he would instead be attending PragerU.

    That last line brought the whole thing together.

    • @Vash63@lemmy.world
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      18•1 year ago

      Agreed, was meh until then but the punchline was worth it.

      • Alien Nathan Edward
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        16•1 year ago

        idk, “even though my father raped someone at the same college” definitely made contact

  • @GiantFlobbyCog@lemmynsfw.com
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    86•1 year ago

    Like Brock Turner, convicted rapist?

    • @VikingHippie@lemmy.wtf
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      60•1 year ago

      Exactly like Brock Turner, rapist who got convicted to 3 months of wrist slapping.

      • @klemptor@startrek.website
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        54•1 year ago

        Rapist Allen Turner, aka rapist Brock Turner, who got a 6-month slap-on-the-wrist sentence for what his father called (and I quote) “twenty minutes of action”? That rapist Allen Turner (aka rapist Brock Turner)? The one who only served 3 months?!

        • @Municipal0379@lemmy.world
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          39•1 year ago

          Are we talking about convicted rapist Brock “Allen” Turner? The guy who was convicted for raping somebody and only got a 3 month sentence? That Brock “Allen” Turner?

          • @Agrivar@lemmy.world
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            0•1 year ago

            Removed by mod

            • Queen HawlSera
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              1•1 year ago

              Seriously, I love how the mainstream media tried to have him remembered as a “Swimmer” and even posted his times, really paints a fucking picture next to all the dead black people who were “No Angels”, because of that one time they smoked a cigarette.

        • @sqgl@beehaw.org
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          1•
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          1 year ago

          meta name=“robots” content=“index,follow,archive”

      • @captainlezbian@lemmy.world
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        16•1 year ago

        The one who lives in Dayton Ohio and goes by Allen these days?

      • Queen HawlSera
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        5•1 year ago

        To be fair, that’s 3 whole months of punishment for “just a few minutes of action”

        THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT HIS FATHER SAID TO ATTEMPT TO APPEAL THE DECISION, I’M NOT FUCKING JOKING!

    • @pearsaltchocolatebar@discuss.online
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      42•1 year ago

      Brock Allen Turner, convicted rapist who is now going by Allan Turner to hide the fact that he’s a convicted rapist.

  • @arymandias@sh.itjust.works
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    63•1 year ago

    Imagine being the stock photo for this article.

    • @Tikiporch@lemmy.world
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      20•1 year ago

      Hopefully it’s an AI photo.

  • Ech
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    30•1 year ago

    I just need to express how perfect that title is. The way it changes meaning with almost every additional word is really impressive.

    • Drusas
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      4•1 year ago

      The Onion has been doing perfect titles for decades. It’s become harder for them in recent years, with reality coming to meet The Onion.

  • @Igloojoe@lemm.ee
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    22•1 year ago

    Shouldve had a rich parents. /s

  • Alien Nathan Edward
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    16•1 year ago

    Could he swim?

  • @Truck_kun@beehaw.org
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    6•1 year ago

    Last sentence is gold. Worth the read.

  • CashewNut 🏴󠁢󠁥󠁧󠁿
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    -8•1 year ago

    Hey OP! Did you copy my username format? Did I give you permission?

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