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seahorse [Ohio]M to The Onion@midwest.socialEnglish • 2 years ago

Republicans Urge Americans To Look Away From McConnell Or Else They Too Shall Freeze

www.theonion.com

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Republicans Urge Americans To Look Away From McConnell Or Else They Too Shall Freeze

www.theonion.com

seahorse [Ohio]M to The Onion@midwest.socialEnglish • 2 years ago
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WASHINGTON—Following the second press conference in five weeks during which the 81-year-old was temporarily unable to speak, Republicans warned Americans Thursday to look away from Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) lest they too should freeze. “Good people! Gaze not upon the senator’s visage or you may be struck dumb…
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  • @mustardman@discuss.tchncs.de
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    52•
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    2 years ago

    That’s exactly what the Weeping Angels (or SCP-173) would want!

    • CA0311 [they/them]
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      5•2 years ago

      i was gonna say, someone should make an EAS scenario video with mitch as patient zero

  • @DontTreadOnBigfoot@lemmy.world
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    29•2 years ago

    Looking more and more like the thing from Pan’s Labyrinth every day…

    • @WarmSoda@lemm.ee
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      18•
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      2 years ago

      I’m a marine biologist. It’s obvious he’s moulting.
      Its his radical final moult, metamorphosing from an aquatic nymph to a winged adult

      • Dharma Curious
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        9•2 years ago

        Is that why he must consume the souls of all the children? For energy for the metamorphosis?

        • @WarmSoda@lemm.ee
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          4•2 years ago

          No, that’s silly.
          He consumes souls to power the deep machines in the darkness.

          • Dharma Curious
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            2•2 years ago

            Ah, I see. And who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?

            • @WarmSoda@lemm.ee
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              2•2 years ago

              I’m just a humble marine biologist.
              The sea was angry that day, my friends!

      • @FarceMultiplier@lemmy.ca
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        5•2 years ago

        He has not yet attained his final formlessness.

    • @killeronthecorner@lemmy.world
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      3•2 years ago

      I always thought he looked like a half filled balloon

  • @2scoops@lemmy.world
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    26•2 years ago

    I like to imagine that during these freezes, he’s actually having out of body experiences wherein he visits Hell, and sees the fiery fate and torments that awaits him when finally slips this mortal coil.

    • @Cabrio@lemmy.world
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      7•2 years ago

      It’s just his handler touching base.

    • @Compactor9679@lemm.ee
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      0•2 years ago

      Comunicating with Biden :)

  • @aport@programming.dev
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    24•2 years ago

    His entire team of staffers should be convicted on elder abuse.

    • BurgerPunk [he/him, comrade/them]
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      2 years ago

      Plus most of the other stafers on the Hill and White House should be convicted on elder abuse too.

      The rest should probably be convicted on other charges

  • The Barto
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    15•2 years ago

    For a second I thought The Onion had become an actual news site.

    • Catradora_Stalinism [she/her, comrade/them]
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      5•2 years ago

      I feel like it is in its own way

      • The Barto
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        2•2 years ago

        It might as well be, reality is doing a better job at it lately.

  • BlinkerFluid
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    15•2 years ago

    “does anyone else hear a dial tone?”.

    the photo just does that

  • @gibmiser@lemmy.world
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    13•2 years ago

    This article is written like an episode of Nightvale.

  • HotsauceHurricane
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    11•2 years ago

    This is a top tier onion article. Up there with the hyperbolic chamber !

  • @RubiksIsocahedron@reddthat.com
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    6•
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    2 years ago

    Removed by mod

  • @marco@beehaw.org
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    5•2 years ago

    He’s like an old, cold Medusa.

  • @DrPop@lemmy.one
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    3•2 years ago

    https://youtu.be/gsNaR6FRuO0?si=lh9X6bHQUX8ptlew

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